The Truth Is

The truth is I really don't really want to write this post, but I need to. I really dislike talking or sharing anything truly personal on my blog. Please bear with me.

The truth is depression sucks. I hate when it hits hard. I hate that I don't want to talk about it with anyone. Just slap on a mask and call it a day. Smile when you really don't care. Go through the motions of being a functional human being, when really you could give a fuck less. What really sucks about it is when it hits around the holidays. You really don't want to be around people, but what are you forced to do, be around people! You become upset and annoyed. Then you hate yourself because you feel guilty for hating your family. So you hang out with them again. And circle just keeps going and going!

Now, most people talk about depression and how much it sucks. I will never dispute that fact. It does. What people really don't talk about is the clean up. I could come out of my episodes a lot sooner if not for the clean up. 

Clean up? What are you talking about? 

When depression strikes and the person looks out into darkness; dishes don't get washed, laundry won't get done, housework piles up and bills may or may not get paid. Let's be truthful, who cares when you're depressed? You try to break the cycle, but then you look out at all that needs to get done, it becomes too much. The cycle starts over again. Its too much of a hassle. You just don't have the energy and because of the depression, you don't ask for help. Mainly, because the disease tells you no one cares so they won't help you anyway.

The truth is, they do.

The truth is, as much as we talk about mental health, we do little to help those who suffer from it. 

The truth is, we don't know how.

The truth is, I suffer from anxiety & depression. I will try my best to be more open with my feelings. I will try ask for help more often. This is my promise to myself so the cycle will end.

Hello, My Name Is....

Jennie. I have a food addiction & am a level 1 hoarder. No joke here. True life story. Both of these stem from my anxiety disorder. I used to be able to function normally, but in the past year, it has gotten a lot worse.

My food addiction started innocently enough. Fattening food to celebrate. Then junk food when sad. After awhile, I started to 'medicate' myself with food for anything that happened in life. Didn't matter what happened. Even boredom became a trigger. 

Now, I'm not stupid. I know in my head how to eat healthy & exercise. I know I should hit the gym 3 times a week. Here's where my mind puts up a wall. I can't go to the gym, people will laugh & gawk at my body mass. Just thinking about causes panic attacks. How do I take care of panic attacks? Comfort food. It sedates me. So there is part of my cycle. My life revolves around food.

Now unto the hoarding. I know when it started, but its really hard to stop. Currently, I'm going through my things and discarding stuff. It should be easy, but I'm having a hard time. I know part of it comes from when I was broke. I mean like I'm donating plasma for gas money, broke. I became even more afraid to throw anything away that was still usable. I try to donate what I can, but in the back of my head, the voice is saying, 'What if you need that? You don't have the cash to replace it.' 

Why am I telling you all of this? Mainly because I would like people to understand some of what goes instead of the heads of people who go through this. Also, because I'm trying to reclaim myself.

My pastor challenged us this year to 'recover all' this year. He asked us, 'What do you need to recover?' I thought about it, I need to recover me. I lost myself. I allowed myself to get to 260 lbs. I allowed myself to live in a messy home. Because of these two things, I have not given myself the permission to date. I'm single. I want this to change. To do so, I have to heal myself with God's help. 

I know I will not get better over night, because it did not happen over night. I'm taking my baby steps. Purging junk, donating good things, eating better, moving more. I have lost weight. My home is looking better day by day. Hoping soon, that I can overcome my anxiety & live the life I want. 

I'll keep you all posted.