Hello, My Name Is....

Jennie. I have a food addiction & am a level 1 hoarder. No joke here. True life story. Both of these stem from my anxiety disorder. I used to be able to function normally, but in the past year, it has gotten a lot worse.

My food addiction started innocently enough. Fattening food to celebrate. Then junk food when sad. After awhile, I started to 'medicate' myself with food for anything that happened in life. Didn't matter what happened. Even boredom became a trigger. 

Now, I'm not stupid. I know in my head how to eat healthy & exercise. I know I should hit the gym 3 times a week. Here's where my mind puts up a wall. I can't go to the gym, people will laugh & gawk at my body mass. Just thinking about causes panic attacks. How do I take care of panic attacks? Comfort food. It sedates me. So there is part of my cycle. My life revolves around food.

Now unto the hoarding. I know when it started, but its really hard to stop. Currently, I'm going through my things and discarding stuff. It should be easy, but I'm having a hard time. I know part of it comes from when I was broke. I mean like I'm donating plasma for gas money, broke. I became even more afraid to throw anything away that was still usable. I try to donate what I can, but in the back of my head, the voice is saying, 'What if you need that? You don't have the cash to replace it.' 

Why am I telling you all of this? Mainly because I would like people to understand some of what goes instead of the heads of people who go through this. Also, because I'm trying to reclaim myself.

My pastor challenged us this year to 'recover all' this year. He asked us, 'What do you need to recover?' I thought about it, I need to recover me. I lost myself. I allowed myself to get to 260 lbs. I allowed myself to live in a messy home. Because of these two things, I have not given myself the permission to date. I'm single. I want this to change. To do so, I have to heal myself with God's help. 

I know I will not get better over night, because it did not happen over night. I'm taking my baby steps. Purging junk, donating good things, eating better, moving more. I have lost weight. My home is looking better day by day. Hoping soon, that I can overcome my anxiety & live the life I want. 

I'll keep you all posted.