Dear Dad,

I don't know if you'll ever fully understand how much you're hurt me over the years.

Growing up, you made me fell uncomfortable about being a girl. You were obsessed with my breasts before they even developed. After they did, I had to stop wearing anything somewhat tight, tank tops, and anything lower than a crew neck. To this day, if I know you and I will be in the same place, I won't wear anything that might draw attention to them. It took me a few years after I moved out to start wearing more feminine clothing. I wish you knew how to draw a line of whose boobs are okay to look at. Mine, my friends, your granddaughters, and their friends fall into this category.

I still have trouble allowing people, especially men, to get close to me. Your violent mood swings scared the crap out of me. Now they just piss me off!  I was proud of my brothers when they stood up to you. To this day, I wish I would have told earlier about the times you hit me. I was a little girl! I was crying and cowering on the floor. Did you really have to hit me that hard?

Your mind games are probably what hurts most of all. You made me feel worthless. I believed for years I was dumb, ugly, and that no one would ever truly love me. You were angry with me once and caused my own brother not to talk to me. Why would you do that? Last year, at the reunion, the day before your birthday, I tried talking to you. I even said, "Happy Birthday! If I knew you were going to be here, I would have brought your card." You turned your back on me. An hour later, I tried again to talk to you. You ignored me. After you left, my cousin told me you told her that I hated you. I reached out, and you swatted it away. That really hurt!!

Because of your actions, I had hard time (and still somewhat do) understanding God's love for me. He loves me unconditionally. He created me and wants great things for me. Every day, I learn something new and grow closer to Him. 

I'm working on forgiving you. Not for you, but for me. It is a process. Just know that because I forgive you doesn't mean I will forget. Nor does it mean I want a close relationship with you. Maybe one day I will, but there are no guarantees.

Your daughter

A Mind Conflicted

As long as I can remember, I have mocked those who throw tantrums or are overly sensitive in life, the lovely, whiny, thin skinned ones that walk amongst us. That make for such easy targets because you know you'll get a reaction out of them with very little effort on your part. I always saw myself as a bully bully, someone who bullies bullies. For some reason, it fills me with glee. One word, one action can throw these people into such a tizzy that you just want to do it for the cheap entertainment of it.

When Charlie Hebdo was attacked by Muslim assailants a few weeks ago, a barrage of Mohammed drawings hit social media. Which I applaud in a way. I applaud it because I don't believe in living in fear. I got caught up in the mocking, because like I stated earlier, it's what I do when someone throws a tantrum. Didn't think twice until I made a t-shirt online. One of my twitter friends said he wanted a shirt that uttered the words "My other toilet paper is the Qu'ran." I told I kinda wanted to make it for him.

This is the shirt.

Even while I made the shirt, it didn't feel right. I sent my friend the picture over twitter and didn't think of it for the rest of the day. The next day, my mentions blew up. While I don't think  my friend is religious, I am. I started thinking about how I would feel if someone wore the same shirt with the Bible on it instead. How hurt and upset I would be. The difference would be is even though I'm hurt and they made fun of what I believe in, I'm not going to kill them. Nor will I put a contract out on their life or send people to terrorize them.

I'm also convicted by the teachings I was raised in. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." How am I bringing glory to God if I'm mocking another's religion and their holy book in that way?

So, what I'm deciding as of now, I need to step back. I want people to see Jesus through me. That can't happen if I'm openly ridiculing other religions and beliefs. Will it stop completely? No. Let's be serious. I'm human, plus I love a great joke.