Tell me how you really feel, Michelle

Dear American  Taxpayer,

I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242 thousand                    
dollars for my vacation in Spain. My daughter Sasha,
several long-time family friends, my personal staff and                    
various guests had a wonderful time. Honestly, you just
haven't lived until you have stayed in a $2,500..00 per night                    
private 3-story villa at a 5-Star luxury                    
hotel.

Thank you also for the use of Air Force Two                    
and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along to be                    
sure we were safe and cared for at all times. By the way,
if you happen to be visiting the Costa del Sol, I highly                    
recommend the Buenaventura Plaza restaurant in Marbella ; great                    
lobster with rice and oysters!

Air Force Two  (which costs $11,351 per hour to operate according to
Government Accounting Office reports) only used 47,500 gallons                    
of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere
1,031 tons of CO2. These are only rough estimates, but they                    
are close. That's quite a carbon footprint as my good
friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American citizens                    
to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive
less too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food
on the table and trying to make ends meet. So I do                    
appreciate your sacrifices and do hope you find work                    
soon.

I was really exhausted after Barack took our                    
family on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago. I
just had to get away for a few days.

Cordially,

Michelle Obama

P.S.                    
Thank you as well for the $2 BILLION dollar trip to
India ! You people are really the best.

P.S. Thank you, too, for that vacation trip to Martha's
Vineyard ; it was fabulous. And thanks for that second smaller                    
jet that took our dog Bo to Martha's Vineyard so we and the                    
children could have him with us while we were away from the
White House for eleven days.

P.SSS. Oh, I  almost forgot to thank you all                    
for our "date weekend" in New York and to say thanks
also for our two-week trip to Hawaii at Christmas. That 7,000                    
square foot house was great!

And finally, thanks for asking, we had a great time taking Air                    
Force One to Chicago to tape our segment with Oprah a couple
weeks ago, replete with full security, a separate plane for                    
armored limosines and a full contingent of                    
assistants.

Remember we all have to share the pain of                    
these economic times equally!                    

Love to redistribute- share- the                    
wealth.

STAND UP,  SPEAK UP. NEVER SURRENDER!!!!

Dieting Tips for Wal-Mart shoppers

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Popper and was in line
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog....... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Cows, part deux

I know I've used cows to demonstrate politics before, but this time I've added some business with it. Enjoy. (And please share!)

POLITICS FOR DUMMIES
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The
Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.

I hope you learned something today, if not, I hope you laughed.